(Monday, February 1) ESPN horse racing analyst Hank Goldberg, mistakenly arriving two weeks late for the Eclipse Awards at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel, accepted a lifetime achievement award at The National Optometric Awards Dinner that was supposed to go to Boise, Idaho optometrist  Terry “Tank” Goldstein.hankatmike.jpg

National Optometric Conference spokesperson Nancy Myopia said, “Mr. Goldberg was not invited to the event, but a fat guy wearing an outdated pair of glasses did not send up any alarm bells, and quite frankly, he looks like he would make one hellava good optometrist.”

National Optometric Conference president Samuel Retinaburg narrated a ten minute slide show featuring honoree “Tank” Goldstein, a 93 year old optometrist known for helping underprivileged young children with vision problems.

While Goldstein could not make the conference due to health reasons, ESPN’s Goldberg had wandered into the ballroom without an invitation.

Goldberg watched the presentation from the bar, thinking the pictures depicted him poking the eyes out of jockeys Calvin Borel and Rafael Bejarano after he had given out another string of losing picks.

Goldberg then proudly took the dais, accepting the Opty Award, mistaking it for an Eclipse Award, much to the surprise of a stunned group of optometrists and their mothers.

Among those Goldberg thanked for the award during his acceptance speech were Kenny Mayne, Jerry Bailey, and Mariusz Pudzianowski, of ESPN’s Strongest Man Competition.

Goldberg also thanked the Little League World Series for, “always having games that run late and preempt our horse racing coverage, giving me extra time to hit the buffet and for a few last minute cocktails.”

“It actually was a touching speech, there was not a dry or lazy eye in the house,” said Myopia.

hankgold2.jpgLater in the evening Goldberg attempted to accept the award for “Advances in Retinitis Pigmentosa” but was restrained by security personnel.

A confused Goldberg was seen wandering the adjoining banquet rooms of the Beverly Wilshire for hours.

Goldberg was mistaken for a mohel, and performed a bris ceremony for the Cohen family of Arcadia, Ca. then found himself on a panel at an Amway convention, convincing the attendees to start selling Lasix and Bute door to door.

ESPN would not confirm the report, but did say in a press release that Goldberg was found outside of a Stuckey’s at 2am holding a bucket of chicken and his Opty Award.

Goldberg’s agent, reached by phone, stated, “While we are disappointed that Hank did not win an Eclipse Award, the Opty Award will certainly enhance Hank’s already impressive resume, and it is the most exciting thing to happen to Hank since he picked his last winner on air for $3.80 back in 2003.”